psl b4?

[non_stop]

The pregnancy seems to have entered a new phase, after bail is posted, after Burr's claim of him on a hard and wooden bench in a filthy cell. Alexander can't stop thinking about it. His mind catches on the glide of Burr's cock-head, spreading his slit; he replays, again and again, the sensation of Burr's cock digging at the entrance to his womb, just this side of painful, and how his body welled with welcoming, wet slick at every slow thrust. Burr's body against his. Needy, broken pieces of himself, spasming around the cherished intrusion. How he was pressed back down into the bench and used, fucked on Burr's knot while claiming-marking urine leaked out of him --

He became a different creature, just then. Burr claimed him, and Alexander doesn't know what it means. He is frightened of how close Burr is to him, and frightened even more of losing that closeness. He shares Burr's bed, every night. He has vivid nightmares that he doesn't remember on waking. And if they awaken him in the middle of the night, he burrows under the covers and licks at Burr's soft cock, suckles it into his mouth, until Burr is awake and willing to pleasure him back to sleep. He is guilty for it, for interrupting Burr's sleep, but he always forgets his guilt when Burr's fingers are inside him or Burr's mouth is on him or even just Burr's sleepy voice telling him he's beautiful while he pulls himself off.

But there is a change. He is ravenous, and he longs for strange things, one day repulsed and the next day drawn to a particular food. The nausea isn't just in the mornings, now, but can strike at any time during the day. His back hurts, and he isn't even carrying much extra weight, though he's starting to think that maybe the swell at his stomach is large, unusually so. And his nipples ache, in a way that seems periodically echoed through the flesh beneath.

He asks Burr, hesitating, to bring a midwife to the home. Burr suggests a doctor, as well, and Alexander blanches, knowing the judgment that a gentleman might bring to their situation.

"Should we," and he swallows, dreading and wanting. "Should we marry first?"

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[non_stop]

Is this why everything is so different? He was mad at the end. Alexander is frowning, not at the sentiment, but because the idea makes his mind spin and spin. It doesn't feel as though he was mad, then. It feels as though the world around him was one thing and now it is another. It feels that what is real upended itself, with Burr at the center. He's pretended past it, imagined that things have just changed, or that he was wrong, but he'd been so certain then, even awash in his soul's agony, from his son's death. He even misses that certainty, sometimes.

Why don't you love me? Why don't you love me enough? -- is what he wanted to ask when he wrote that letter. Is that what he really wanted to know? Or was there a more devastating question lurking just out of reach?

He twitches forward, towards Burr. Come home. He wants to come home.

"But I remember it," protests Alexander, desperately. "I remember choosing it. It was so clear -- I wanted to damn you, and I wanted it so much." He tangles his fingers in his own hair, his grip a tight fist. "I was him, I was -- if I'm not him, who am I?"

[slowtoanger]

"You're you," Burr says, and he's crying a bit, and he doesn't know why. "You're my Alexander," gentle hands reaching out to guide those away from Hamilton's hair. And if Alexander will let him, he'll hold him--collapse against Alexander's chest and breathe.

He's trembling. Aren't they both, now? And scared? But what way is there but forward, clinging?

[non_stop]

Burr unknots his fingers and, in a different way, pulls, delicately, at the strings that might, someday, unknot his mind. Alexander closes his eyes and noses against Burr, blindly. A rearing, furious thing in him wants to spurn Burr and claim his identity, bind himself to the fey version of himself who spiraled inexorably towards his own death. It's what Alexander Hamilton would have done, if he were transported here and now.

He can't blame the rest on biology. Not even if the smell (of his mate) hits his nose and breaks him out in pleasant shivers. He doesn't want to die, though. He doesn't feel the same hopeless, helpless rage at the absence his son left in his life. He wants to breathe, he wants to go on, he wants to look towards a future, and even though the future with Burr could be cut short, any time, any instant, he wants to live it.

His Alexander. Alexander's mate.

Burr loves him enough to come after him, and he doesn't look like he was dragged there by Hosack. Isn't that what Alexander wished for?

"I'm sorry," and once he says it, it falls from him, again, again: "I'm sorry for him, I'm so sorry," not for what he did to himself but for what he did to Eliza and Burr and the children and the country.

[slowtoanger]

Burr hold him, and marks him. Rubs scent onto skin from his own. Something that might be done when mating, but might also be done to soothe. A display of devotion.

Hamilton apologizes, apologizes, so different from the Hamilton he one knew, and Burr silences him, takes each apology into his mouth, hold it there, slow and needy. Should Burr apologize too? He has, but the words, those simple small ones--

Burr had thrown one forgiveness back at him, yet now he yearns for it. He takes the ring and presses it into Alexander's hand. Writes his own apology in small displays of submission, now--bares his throat and goes to his knees, for all his arms still cling to Hamilton's pant leg.

[non_stop]

His fingers curl around the back of Burr's head, and his wrist, another place where scent rises from the body, presses against Burr's throat -- before withdrawing, enough to place his hand in Burr's. Delicate, the way a bride would, to invite a ring placed.

"I don't promise obedience," and Alexander's voice is hushed. "Any vow of faithfulness could be rightfully doubted. But I promise, I vow, I will love and honor and keep you." His thumb brushes away the tears that have already worked themselves free from Burr's eyes. "We may register it for the --" A soft breath. "The twins." The twins. "But my promise is for you. You are the only witness who matters to me."

He is giddy with nerves, sick with the wrenching change from grief to incredulous joy. He is casting himself wildly into an unknown future. If Burr puts that ring on his finger, now, he will consider himself married, in all the ways that matter.

[slowtoanger]

Burr does. God help him, he does. Slides the ring onto Hamilton's finger and then covers the hand with his own. It is too painful to look at, too beautiful, too wonderful, too much. He kisses Hamilton's hand--each finger, and then presses it to the side of his face. Holds.

"I can't promise either--" Burr says. "Faithfulness, or to be always kind. I think we shall snap at one another a good deal, and fight when we ought not to. But I promise to love you, and care for you, when it is needed. And to allow you also your freedom, to make awful personal and political decisions, so long as you come home to me after."

He waits for Hamilton--to tell Burr when to rise, to nudge him to his feet. Gives him these small things, that he needs so badly.

There is another thing--

"How old are you, really? Don't lie to me again. Hosack said you are not more than nineteen."

[non_stop]

He is about to, when the question takes him by surprise. He half-laughs; his eyes are blurred with tears. "Oh," he says. "Oh. I didn't want you to pity me, was all. I thought I could bear anything but pity." A breath. The new presence on his ring finger astonishes him. It seems to make an electric connection all the way to his heart. "He is a doctor, and so I told him true. I was born in December, 1806." This would make him nineteen.

Though it does give rise to a new mystery: where was he, between July, 1804, and his conception? Was his soul in another child, one that never was old enough for him to remember? Was he in Heaven? Hell? Some aetheric medium between them? Did he choose to return?

It will be Hosack's disappointment, Alexander thinks, that he doesn't know.

Alexander pulls him up. "Come here," he says, "come here and kiss me." Though it's really Alexander who kisses first, who kisses like claiming, because he is giddy and happy and because he thinks it would make Burr happy to be claimed too.

[slowtoanger]

Burr thinks Hamilton might be lying. That he is younger than he says. It's been easy for Hamilton to convince himself of lies in the past. To defend then like truths.

But then Hamilton is pulling him up, kissing him, and Burr lets himself be claimed. Makes a little pleased sound, and lets his hands wander down, cupping Hamilton's stomach, jutting between them.

"Twins," Burr says, against skin. "you're going to get so big," a little tease, but he loves the idea.

[non_stop]

He gives a little bite to Burr’s gland, just a moment of teeth’s grip without bruising, without hurting. It seems to give him some confidence. He flushes, at Burr’s words, fusses with some imagined wrinkle in Burr’s cravat.

“It wasn’t recorded,” he says, in a rush, “my birth — my mother told me after but I don’t know if she remembered right. It’s my best guess. It’s the closest I have to truth, to give you.” He meets Burr’s eyes, firmly. “I don’t want pity. I thought to myself, if I did not know for sure, then it wasn’t really a lie, but that itself is a lie. I have already demanded from you that which I wasn’t willing to give,” and he means the affection that Burr showed him, and his aloof, withdrawn response. His fear. “I’m willing, now. I will try to be willing.” This is determined. Alexander demands a great deal of himself when he is at his best, and he has languished without employing his willpower for, it feels, a long time. Or at least his willpower was only employed in his survival, without ambition for more.

His hand rests on his belly. “I never go in half-measures,” he says, ruefully. “I said I’d give you a son — I suppose I omitted I’d try for a daughter, too.” Jesting, because of course he had no choice in it, except inasmuch as he felt his body open itself to Burr, to the lovely attentions in that lovely heat.

[slowtoanger]

A little gasp, and shudder, when Hamilton bites down on his gland.

"So confident are you, that you shall not bear two boys, or two girls?" Burr asks, but of course, more likely--that they shall have neither. That one or both shall die, during birth or after. Things best not to think about.

"I think you shall get very demanding, soon. More than you've been. What will you do when you can't reach your own cock?" Burr asks, though he knows--Hamilton will have to rely on Burr. Won't be able to get any relief of animal needs without him. He doesn't want to keep Hamilton pregnant and naked in his home forever...but just for a little while, the end of this pregnancy, sounds very appealing. Burr had though, before, years ago, that it would be a good way to keep Hamilton out of politics, or to shut him up--shove a cock in him. And he'd absolutely not entertained those fantasies a number of times.

[non_stop]

"No," he whispers, "no, I'm not confident. But I hope -- and the odds are -- that there will be a boy." And he wants a son, again.

The reality of it scares him: they will grow, and then they will need to come out of him, and the violence of it will be awful, he thinks. But women and omegas survive it all the time. It can't be much more hazardous than the war he already waged.

"My cock, I think I'll reach. My cunt, another matter entirely -- will you ply me with your tongue, then?" His skin is hot. This isn't their home, and he should not rile Burr the way he wants to. "What if I want to fuck you? I do, now. I should punish you for what you said. I should have you rough -- and bite you -- and show you belong to me, not to whomever else you visited." The absurdity of someone so young staking a claim on someone so much their elder... Ah, but Alexander wants it anyway.

[slowtoanger]

Burr's skin burns too, at Hamilton's words. Yes, he wants to take it. He wants Hamilton to punish him, to do the things he pays whores to do. Never quite satisfying, from them. But from Hamilton, for Hamilton--

"Yes," Burr breathes, pupils dilated. "Yes, you should punish me. What's to stop me from doing it again? From bending over some whore's bed, if you can't control your mate? I've been very bad, Alexander, and they've had me in all sorts of ways." And he's clutching on now, pulling them back towards the little guest bed. Oh, he hopes they're loud enough to disturb Hosack.

"I let them inside me, and I let them hit me, and I even fucked a few of them, came inside them. What are you going to do?"